She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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