I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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