I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
i believe in u and ur pee
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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