So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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