Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
