How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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