it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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