don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
