you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
