It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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