The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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