I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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