remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
