How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
