Pappa wants mamma naked
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
