She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
