I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
