The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
