1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i permit you to call me
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
