that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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