Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
