I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
