hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
