T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
