Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Randomize
