She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
