we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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