i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
