At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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