duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
