turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
