You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
