this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
