all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
