The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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