Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
