just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
