I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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