I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
two words: eviction party
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
