90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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