is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
