i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
