i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I want to be your penis for a week.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
