Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
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