I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
