Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
