oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
