But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
