like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
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