Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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